I don't really know how to write about this.
Our family is wading through what feels like waist deep molasses on a dark gray day as we prepare to transition our mom, the matriarch and light of our family, to an assisted living/memory care facility.
It is time. Of that there is no doubt. Does that fact make this move any easier? No. Nope. It sure does not.
One more day. One more day until she moves, until she begins the end, the final phase of life. She’s been in the penultimate season for some time, it’s seemed endless. Until now. Now we are walking her into true winter. Arm in arm we, my sisters and I, take slow steps, ushering. Escorting. Honoring her life. Acknowledging her accomplishments. Remembering her sacrifices, her brilliance, her ability, her laugh. We are left to piece together her early days, as her memory of them is gone. We try to recall the stories we were told but took for granted. Her sisters and brother gone, her parents long ago departed, her memories fragmented at best, disappeared completely for the most part. Her words, so hard to come by. But her eyes still so bright and beautiful, though empty of the knowing they once held. Her smile still so sweet and full of light.
While we all know this is not 'good bye' it is most definitely a dramatic shift in the life we've known. Particularly given the complications that COVID presents as far as visits etc. Our dad is devastated, as you can imagine. Though we've walked this long road of Alzheimer's Disease for some time, and this is simply the next bend in that road, again, it doesn't hurt any less.
For the last month we've held more family gatherings than usual. We've gathered around the piano more, as mom's condition would allow. The photo, above, is of one such evening when our Uncle Ray Irwin (whose late wife, Helen, was my mom's sister and who passed away from complications due to Lewy body dementia) was able to join us. He brought over his cello, Roy (Candi's son) brought his saxophone and we all sang of course. It was an incredible, albeit somewhat chaotic, musical extravaganza! And the night before that my daughter, Izzi Ray, joined us around the piano as well.
My dad has dreamed of evening's such as this taking place in their home in this season of mom's life, with close friends and family getting to participate while mom still has some recognition left. We were able to do some of that over the last couple years. We were hoping to do a FB LIVE stream with her, however given her latest downturn, it seems we missed our window. This recent decline has been so steep, so sudden, it just took us all by surprise.
And so, it seems, this is her Finale. I'm working on editing together footage of this, and other, gatherings. But for now, we simultaneously celebrate our life together as a family and mourn what feels like the loss of it. We, My two sisters and I, consider it a gift to be able to usher our mom into this season. This winter. This Finale. Though we can no longer ask her questions about her childhood, our childhoods, her special memories and favorite moments, and though much of her mind is already departed, the light in her eyes still sparkles! The magic of her smile still shines!